Originally Written on 7.9.13
Tonight is a mom fail night (well that’s how I feel). The night started out normal. Daniel and I went to work, Hadleigh went to school, and Hayden was at home with NeNe. I got home and we went out to a local restaurants burger night for dinner. Things were good. Then we got home. The dogs were excited to see us when we walked in, so they started playing with each other and being loud. Well, Hadleigh thought they were "fighting" and FREAKS. So Daniel got them to stop and lay down on the floor while I went upstairs to get Hayden to sleep for the night. Hadleigh still freaks. It turns to a Full blown - almost three year old - crying meltdown.
Hadleigh ends up going to her room to get away from the dogs and tells Daniel she is ready to go night-night. I end up handing Hayden to Daniel because Hadleigh wants me. She kept telling me "Isis and Duke aren't my friends anymore".
While I’m in consoling Hadleigh, Hayden cries because I’m not with her. I never win. I finally get Hadleigh calmed down, but she won't leave my side so I get her to lay quietly with me while I get Hayden to sleep. Hadleigh ended up falling asleep while waiting – This whole meltdown was probably just her being tired and a toddler, but man! Both girls asleep (Woohoo!), so I quietly went downstairs to start some dishes…Got through washing my first dish to Hayden crying for me. I'm sitting here in bed because she starts crying when I even attempt to get up.
Then, my mind starts racing on why they only want me, why they have meltdowns, possible reactions to me being a pushover… "Gosh I hope I don't screw them up" "Please don't let them have anxieties" "Please don't let my actions make them overly dependent"Why do I feel the compelling need to console them 24/7? I'm definitely pushover when it comes to them. I know that. I'm overly trying to make sure I calm any fears or anxieties they might have. I have anxieties myself...and I know some anxieties might sound crazy to someone else, but it’s a horrible feeling and I can't bear the thought that the girls might feel that way sometimes. So, even though it sounds silly why Hadleigh would freak out over dogs she has been around her whole life...she was still scared, so to me that needs to be handled in a way that she feels safe. I want them to grow up to be strong, independent, confident, and loving. It's so hard when you don't know if you're truly doing the right thing or not, no matter what decision you make.
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